When I tried to put a lot of intention into being with my breath, with an expectation, for example, to reach a certain state of consciousness, unconsciously. I knew I shouldn't expect anything, but it didn't work. And it always has been combined with an expectation, maybe unconscious, but it always has been like that, or is like that. And when I tried to understand the species and the images, And when I tried to feel the breath and the images just from moment to moment, the expectation became smaller and smaller.

[01:04]

Yeah. Okay. Marie? It's a question out of the first part of the practice months when the kids have been here. Because the feeling in the house has been different because of the families who met each other in a different way than we meet each other now. And through sitting and being connected, I can feel a softness and a calmness in myself. Then or now or both?

[02:24]

More than the families have been here. I have been more open when my family was here, and now I have more of a kind of a box around me. But I also figured and served in the softness, I'm very vulnerable. Some sounds that have been organic can cause pain and some sentences spoken can hurt. And I'm looking for a way to deal with all these phenomena without

[04:07]

Someone help us out, switch off these vulnerable... Yeah, how to stay vulnerable or stay open. And also not to see what I let into me and what I don't, but that I can let everything into me and to keep the peace that I feel in me. Not to sort out what to let in and not to let in, but to keep this calmness and softness inside. Well, again, you see that that's what you'd like to do. You see that that's what you'd like to do. Okay, so again, whatever you feel like that, you make your intention. And if possible, you turn that intention into a phrase or an image. And then you hold that image with the intention as part of it, or the phrase, I'd like to be more open, or I'd like to be open but not so easily hurt, or however you want to put it to yourself.

[05:51]

And then you let that work in your actions, you let that just be part of your actions, that intention, and it usually ends up happening. And it came up with somebody yesterday, which I, you know, my response would be it's learning how, a similar thing, learning how to seal yourself but not armor yourself. But let me just not say too much, because I think it's better if we don't take a break and just try to finish. And so I can't go into... But basically we could talk about it sometime.

[07:05]

Sealing yourself rather than armoring yourself. And yeah, I really like the atmosphere when the families are here. And the families are voting strongly for it. But I think no single person, male or female, decided to come to the practice month when the families were here except you. And, you know, I like this too, but I find it disappointing that the sangha is voting in a way against the family term. We've had 2,500 years of nunneries and male monasteries.

[08:23]

And if men and women are going to practice together, there's going to be children. I've heard that that's the way it is. And if there's going to be children, there's going to be families. And we can't say, oh, I'm sorry, you've had a baby. You're kicked out now. So if you want women and men to practice together and not go back to nunneries and convicts, we have to also practice with families. So I don't think people realize when they say, oh, I'm not going to go when the families are there. I want it to be quieter. They're actually voting for nunneries. Even though it's a natural decision, yes. Unfortunately, I have no question.

[09:39]

In the last few days that I have been here, I have taken so many pictures and have been allowed to take them, that no question has touched me yet. I have no question in the last days since I'm here I have been allowed to pick up so many images that no question arise out of that. Does any statement arise or comment? Do you feel okay? Yes. Okay, that's good enough. Next. During the last nine days I went back to the point where I started with Zen. That has been 1972 when I've been living in Japan and I visited an exhibition with Zen art and I was touched so deeply by that.

[11:03]

That touched me so deeply. This has been the change in my life. like a not visible hand leads me through a door from one wall into another. And then I found myself like being an open vessel in which everything is put that belongs to Zen. Filtered in, poured in. Do you understand it better yourself? Yes, I understand it in German. I need some time in between. And I know it works better this way.

[12:06]

But basically what Roshi said a few days ago in one of his lectures, he spoke of the content of mind and space of mind. And you mentioned that in one of your texts when you spoke about the content of mind and the space of mind. And looking back I had the feeling I kind of filled up my mind with things I could learn. from the outside. Everything came from the outside, Zen mind, Zen art, Japan. But I didn't practice. Yes.

[13:17]

And then years went by, and my first Sesshin I sat has been with Harada Roshi in Hoshinji, Japan. That's the most difficult Sushin you can choose when you have no idea about Sushin. It's like walking into a truck or something. This is how my physical practice started. It became more intensive when we started practicing forty years ago. We started practicing. I started practice with you. Yeah, thank you. We still did practice some of our work together.

[14:35]

Yeah, we did. That's true. I remember. And... Auf jeden Fall war das wieder ein neuer Wendepunkt irgendwie, und zwar von diesem äußeren Füllen meines Gefäßes in Richtung reden gehen. It has been another change from filling this vessel from the outside to going inside, yes. At that time I didn't know it, but I knew it intuitively that I couldn't go on like this, that I stayed in the outer world, and for some it was totally my life. And I could feel that intuitively and I started to look for this space of mind. This wide open mind always has been important, but at that point I could feel it also in my body.

[15:44]

And that's still the most important thing, the space of mind. Looking back at the last 14 years and to come somehow... Did I learn? I have to say I learned more inside but not that much from the outside or outside. This time I figured that more than ever I cannot chant the sutra by heart. I cannot sit in a good posture. Until now I didn't buy a robe.

[16:54]

And asking myself now where am I now, today, here, in that moment? That's where I am. And I feel myself as a beginner. And if you ask me, do you mind that I say from deep in my heart, no? Well, if you're a beginner and that means you're going to start again next year, I'll be happy. You know, I mentioned recently this... Greek idea, trying to give it some Western origins, that Western origins, a source in the West rather, is that friendship is that affection which evolves

[18:39]

matures through a mutual vision. Through a mutual vision. And that's exactly in the tradition of Buddhism, the definition of Sangha. What happens in a society when some people develop a mutual vision? Not a belief, but a mutual vision. And that's what I think we're doing. For 14 years or whatever years. And I hope that when I can no longer sit and I'm drooling down my front, you know, you don't throw me out. Oh, he can't sit anymore.

[19:57]

Throw him on the heap. I'm going to still be here, you know. Andreas will be propping me up. Since 14 years for the first time I allowed myself to use little support cushions under my knees and I could sit without pain. You're getting more compassionate. And I have been thinking as much as never before. And Shikong Master said, you should think till it's getting boring.

[21:08]

But until now, it's still not boring. Still interesting. Well, once I had a person, a Sashin, who finally, by the fifth day, had cushions under every wrist, both wrists. He had cushions everywhere. He was sitting with cushions. I would like to share a little story which came to my mind when you were explaining service And I think also it's a great territory to experience yourself and to learn about yourself. So when I learned to be a doer, I was so nervous.

[22:09]

I couldn't believe how nervous I could get being a doer. This is a question? With these long sleeves and hitting the bell and shaking this, it was really terrible. Slowly, it went better and better. And one day, I came out of Duxa and had to do immediately, service. And because I was, yeah, I was just in a different space, I, um, I hit the mocha cue and I don't know, it was just flowing and suddenly I noticed, oh, I didn't hit the bell. And what was really surprising for me, it was a completely calm space. And I... And it really opened up and I noticed everybody and how they were chanting.

[23:11]

It was a really complex situation. And then I continued and it was fascinating to be where I was. And like, oh, I didn't hit the second bell. I could even feel it in Mark that he also noticed she didn't hit the second bell. But it was nice that we both noticed. I don't know if I did then the little bit I managed. It's a very simple experience, but it made really clear to me how noticing works. because that was really free of normal thinking space. But I was completely aware about Naval's situation. That's great. Yeah, and the funny thing is I came completely happy out of this if I had made two mistakes.

[24:12]

Now, Eddie's bosses are afraid that's what was going to happen to him when he went to Creston. They gave him permission to go to... But they hoped you didn't say, oh, I made those big mistakes, I don't care. But that's nice when you just do what you do, that's all. Yeah. But if it's possible, I would like now to make a turn to noticing Because now I'm quite engaged in kind of scientific literature about cognition and how it really works in a more scientific sense.

[25:18]

And as more as I go into it, I mean, with my kind of naive... knowledge about it, it's opened up a funny territory for me and kind of, I don't know how to call it, kind of a big doubt. I mean, even to my practice and to Buddhism arise from that. When I explained just that was an experience, that was she meant by noticing. That's one side. The other side is when I read this about how cognition works, how we are determined by our language, what we see, what we recognize as, they did experience, what we recognize as our reality,

[26:21]

has to do in which language with which grammar we are raised. That's one part. Another part is how memory works. That we normally come into a room and we only need two little points and immediately our brain works and says, I know this room and the reality we see is that memories Memorize memory of reality. And when I put all this, I mean, I think it's really a fantastic world to go into it. But if I now I'm in a kind of dilemma, and I really put this all this experience they described from different scientific experience together. it's a kind of, I start swimming and there's no stability at all.

[27:26]

I mean, in this sense, where you draw the distinction or the line, there your universe comes into being. So it's, we have to be very careful how we how we put certain teachings and how we believe in certain teachings. Believe? Yeah, believe. I mean, what we say in RAN is we believe our experience, and that's great, because we don't have any beliefs, we just experience. But, I mean, if I go... down there I see my, what is my experience? On what is it based? I mean on all these things. So I'm, we all are basically kind of on one side in a prison, in a lot of little prisons, and on the other side there is this kind of huge mysterium where

[28:41]

where we don't know at all what is reality or what is the outside world. I mean, we are creating our world in ourself with conditions we don't even know exactly. So sometimes I'm very clear in this little kind of experience and then it's actually Yeah, I try to swim through it. Well, if you see that you draw a line and you've created a world, that's also emptiness. So then what kind of mind finds its stability in that? Okay. My question changed while I'm sitting here and listening to the other question and listening to you and seeing what you did, demonstrated.

[30:01]

Do you want to translate it yourself? Yes. So my questions have changed because... Because I listened to you and watched you demonstrate it. I'm here for six weeks and almost half the time is over. I think I allowed myself somehow to be here and also somehow to dive into what is here and what you tell and also when you were demonstrating Yes, somehow it's, it's also, yeah, it's somehow feeling like I did diving before, yes, before, somehow like swimming through the images you present, swimming through the words you say, and so really, it's a, yeah, it's a good, good feeling, and I notice I,

[31:18]

I have to learn, as if I start right at the beginning. Yeah, so far, and in between, I do phone calls with friends and it's extremely difficult for me to do that. And I've noticed myself being very silent, close friends. How do you feel and what are you doing? And I'm lacking words to describe what I do. And it's, I mean, it's this telephone that's even more difficult. Yeah. How to describe to you?

[32:24]

That's what comes in my mind then. how to describe what Zen is. I have somehow an answer in me what Zen is, a feeling for that, but I'm really lacking words to express it to other people who are not practicing, who have almost no contact to Zen, and at the same time a deep wish of telling them, because they are close friends, and somehow feel as being with empty hands. I could somehow express myself through movement, but it's really extremely difficult. Yeah, what is Zen? I mean, I don't expect the answer, but what is Zen? What you can really... Is it a religion? Is it a self-experience method? Or there's a flyer outside, Christian, Zen, Christian Zen, what's that?

[33:26]

I thought, still that. Yeah, but what is Zen? And I think I'm on the point of... finding out for me what Zen means for me and finding words and also maybe kind of finding an identity, Zen identity if such thing exists and also another point that might be or is I think closely connected with Finding words is, on my way through diving through images and words, I became more interested in hardware, so in rituals.

[34:24]

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